Backyard Conservation Manual--Edits

Backyard Conservation Program--Edits
1. Front page
1. The word "Impacts" feels somewhat awkward in the subtitle. Doesn't "impact" also imply plural?
2. Is there a reason that "And" is separated from the rest of the subtitled on the front page?
3. I would put a period or semicolon after "Support provided by Franklin Soil..." to separate it from "Funding Provided by...".
2. Page 2
1. It would be easier to read first section if paragraphs were indented.
2. Why is there a period after the subtitle "Welcome to..."? It seems unncessary.
3. You should introduce what the project is BEFORE saying who it is being implemented by and who is making it possible. The reader wants to know immediately what the purpose is.
4. The word "that" should come "conservation practices" and "they" in the second paragraph.
5. It is vague what "using native plants" is for. It might be helpful to the reader to use a few words, even, to hint at how/why to do this.
6. It should read "Reducing the amount of fertilizers...". Also, it seems like seep/drain into the "storm water runoff" is more effective than "gets into...".
7. To make the last sentence more effective, I would make it an independent sentence. For example, "The end goal of these efforts is to protect and improve water quality in the Olentangy River Watershed, the place where we live."
8. I like the use of a table of contents. However, it seems to be somewhat unbalanced. I would either indent the sub-subheadings (for instance, "rain graden"), or use different bullets for each section. It will make it look cleaner.
9. In FLOW's mission, there should be a comma between "its watershed and inhabitants."
10. And for balance, I would add the word "to" in front of "promote" and "implement" in FLOW's mission.
11. The period after "The Columbus Foundation: the Center for Charitable Giving" should be removed.
3. Page 3
1. It might be effective to add the word "specific" before "region of land" in the first paragraph.
2. The first and second sentences seem like they should form one sentence, as they are related and brief.
3. For more concise speech, I would suggest using active/present tense voice. Rather than "All rainfall within a watershed will drain...," "All rainfall within a particular watershed drains into the same body of water, be that a stream, a river, a pond, a lake, or an ocean."
4. For the next sentence, maybe: "Many watersheds drains into the Mississippi River watershed, including the Ohio River watershed and all of the small watersheds that drain into it." And then: "Regardless of where you live, you are always living in a watershed."
5. "There is a good chance" rather than "chances are good" in the second paragraph. It feels less awkward.
6. Consider renaming the third subtitle "Why we should (or should we) care about the river?". It may personalize this a bit more.
7. A comma should follow "wildlife" and before "and water" in the third paragraph.
8. Also in this paragraph, consider changing to "However, our river is suffering from the consequences/effects of urbanization as the Columbus area continues to grow, and it appears that for at least the forseeable future, the city will continue to grow." This makes the situation present and not a former phenomenon.
9. A comma should follow "residents" and precede "and other stakeholders."
10. To clarify, I would say "When the ground becomes saturated with water...".
11. There is an extra period after "into the ground" and before "Impervious areas..."
12. A comma should follow "pavement" and precede "even compacted soil."
13. Is storm water runoff three words or two? In the fourth paragraph, you use both. It helps the reader if you keep it consistent.
14. For the last sentence, I might change it to: "Eventually, the storm water runoff carrying the contaminents flows into the city's storm sewers, and without ever being treated, directly into the Olentangy River."
15. Again, the subtitle uses one word for "stormwater." One word or two?
16. Cannot is one word.
17. I would add the word "negative" in first sentence. E.g., "...but its quantity and negative effects can be minimized through storm water management techniques, including backyard conservation practices."
18. Consider changing "that reduce" to "to reduce" in second sentence of this paragraph.
19. Is water ways one word or two?
4. Page 4
1. Indenting the first paragraph of this page would help differentiate it from the subtitle.
2. A comma should be added between "pesticides" and "and fertilizers." I won't bug you anyore with this suggestion about commas. But traditionally, the rule is that a comma is used before the "and", and hence before that last thing in a series.
3. Sentence structure change: "Municipal wastewater treatment plants cannot remove these salts, which in large quantities, maybe be toxic to certain aquatic animals."
4. Add "that" after "Make sure...", and add an "and" before "out of reach from...".
5. Materials probably cannot be disposed of through "hazardous waste collections days," but "on hazardous waste collection days."
6. Would it sound better if we reversed "flooring downstream" to "downstream flooding"?
7. "An alternative to disposing of your yard waste: Recycle leaves and grass clippings in your compost pile! Or contact your local officials about their yard waste collection program.".
8. For the section of pet waste, the underlined sentence is inconsistent with the rest of the page. For the other sections, the udnerlined part is regarding a specific action that homeowners should do. For this section, that could read, "Dispose of pet waste properly."
9. A comma should be added between "Driveways" and "and Garage area."
10. Again, to remain consistent, consider using a new sentence for "with a non-toxic." It could read, "Use a non-toxic...". Also, consider this change to "Be careful not to spill gasoline," and a different sentence for the next part.
5. Page 5
1. Indenting the first paragraph of this page would help differentiate it from the subtitle.
2. A comma belongs in the second sentence of the first paragraph. It might read like so: "When it rains, the chemicals are washed into local waterways, also causing problems for aquatic wildlife and drinking water."
3. Perhaps reword first bullet to read, "Be conservative in your application of pesticides or fertilizers." As it is, the texts reads somewhat awkwardly.
4. The word "expected" is hyphenated in the shadowed box. If this can be avoided, I would highly suggest doing so.
5. Maybe restate sentence as, "Consider the following tips on how to reduce your reliance on synthetic pesticides."
6. The word "dollars" and the symbol "$" both appear int he first bullet. It's kind of redundant.
7. Do you really want people to use "more targeted pesticides?" It seems that you want this to read "more-targeted pesticides," or simply "targeted pesticides." By no means do you want people to use more pesticides.
8. The third bullet-- "Most lawn insects are not harmful, but in fact,..." needs a comma after "harmful." Also, the sentence migh be mroe concise if you combine it to read "may be beneficial by helping to attack other pests or to break down organic matter."
9. For the last sentence, prevent pests from what? It might me clearer if it read, "Prevent pest disturbances...".
10. An "and" should be added before "blood meal." (sounds yummy). Also, you should use commas and not semicolons for this sentence.
6. Page 6
1. Possibly reword the title so it fits on one line.
2. Insert the word "therefore" before "Making it harder for weeds to compete."
3. Maybe put quotation marks around "One-third rule."
4. There is a missing period in the third section of the "Mowing" section.
5. For the first sentence in the last section, make it into a bullet. It stands out as it is. And the phrase "Prevent base spots from occuring" seems redundant.
6. A period is missing in the second to last bullet on this page.
7. What is the purpose of the gray box at the top?
7. Page 7
1. The gray boxes are off-balance and distracting. Consider using a black outline to define them more. This is also true with the box of "4 Key Elements." There is simply too much going on on this page.
2. Consider restructuring the sentence to read: "There are 4 key elements necessary to produce compost."
3. You could use semicolons between the sentences in this box if you want.
4. The "O" in Oxygen is misaligned.
5. "It's" is actually "its" in this context. "It's" means "it is."
6. Do you assume that your audience knows what "Urea" is?
7. The examples of C:N ratio are out of order. Leaves should follow fruit wastes.
8. Instead of "What to LEAVE OUT," perhaps say, "Do not add...". Consider using semicolons or commas here, or even center-align the text in these gray boxes.
9. Could you put "Cold composting" on one side of the page and "Hot composting" on the other side?
10. When you say "Short on time," I am confused because you say "hot composting causes the material to decompose faster." This needs to be clarified.
11. I thought a 3' sq. box was the most efficient for composting?
8. Page 8
1. Why do you choose not to use colons on some pages after the title while using them on other pages>
2. Do you want to define impervious surfaces?
3. It should read "...is a major source of storm water runoff," rather than "for."
4. The word "the" is unnecessary in "Rather than allowing this water to wash away into (the) storm drains, overflow sewers or potentially back up out basement...". A comma should also be added before "overflow sewers".
5. The word "the" before "downspouts" is unnecessary.
6. Instead of "goes to the lawn," the word "seeps" or "absorbs" may better serve the purpose.
7. Indent paragraph after title "Rain Barrels." Also,t he second sentence of this section can be divided into two sentences.
8. At the end of this second sentence, add the word "your" before lawn. Otherwise, it doesn't sound natural.
9. A comma should come after "Rainwater may contain chemicals from the atmosphere,...".
10. Highlight that "Rain Barrels are easy to install!" After all, this is a large part of this program. It should get the attention it deserves.
11. The word "option" should follow "maintain" in the third bullet."
9. Page 9
1. A period should follow the sixth and eighth bullets.
2. For the section of water-tolerant native plants, consider making that into list format.
3. Indent paragraph on "Terracing."
4. The first sentence after "Reduce Impervious surfaces" should be bulleted.
5. There should not be a comma after "driveway."
10. Page 10
1. Should this read "Use native plants"?
2. Add "some of your" or some phrase after "can replace" in the fourth bullet of the "Benefits" sections.
3. There is a space between the word "round" and the period in the second to last bullet in the "Benefits" section.
4. Do you mean "naturally moist areas" in the "Native Woodland plants" sections?
5. A comma should follow "Many prefer acidic soils,...".
11. Page 11
1. One question people may have about trees is how long they take to grow. I would suggest providing a range in long long they take to grow large and provide the homeowner with the said benefits.
2. Indent first sentence of "Groundcovers" sections.
3. Why is the "Benefits" section misaligned int he "Groundcovers" section?
4. Find a way so that there is not only a word in a line. Reformat so the sentence takes up most or all of line.
12. Page 12
1. Does not have a page number.
2. Change the word "those" to "these" to make it more close to home.
3. Some of the colors are capitalized and some are not. It would be best to remain consistent. Also, when there are two colors, sometimes you use a comma and sometimes a backslash.
4. Consider widening the boxes to include both colors on one line. It looks uneven due to uneven heights of boxes in table.
13. Page 13
1. In the "Light" section, sometimes there is a space between the comma and the letter and sometimes not... Also, in some places a comma isn't even used. I like the use of the comma, it gets complicated in the third chart when no commas are used in the "Soil" section.
2. Why aren't soil, water, sun, or light spaces filled in for certain plant species?
3. Can you change the background color behind the tables to make them pop out more? They look very flat as is.
4. For the "Bees" and "Bats" sections, consider putting the text on a different line from the title as you do with the "Birds" section. "Burrows" should be singular.
14. Page 14
1. N/A
15. Page 15
1. The title word "References" is misaligned.
2. The colors of the hyperlink vary.
3. Why is there a section about "Fact sheets and Bulletins" in the middle of the references section? It seems like it should be separate?
4. Some hyperlinks use htp and some do not. It's best to keep this unified.
5. In the "Soil Testing Laboratories" box, the CLC Labs should probably come after Calmar Labs (alphabetical).
6. This whole page may read a little easier with the use of bullets or numbers.
7. It seems like the font size varies, yes? This isn't aesthetically pleasing.
8. In the middle of the page, the word "Wildlife" is disconnected for some reason.
9. You may want to consider rewording the "special thanks" sections. For some reason, it looks off.
16. Page 16
1. There are certain assumptions made about the language used in this document. It seems appropriate because it seems that the homeowners that you are targeting would be at least somewhat familiar with their usage.
2. I like the use of pictures, but they don't stand out from the page. Consider adding an outline, shadow, or some visual effect to define them more.
3. Although my comments may be annoying due to their detail, I know that the detail put into publications says a lot about the effort (or at least people think it does) put into it. You want to have as few reasons as possible for people to gripe/not be involved.
4. Things to be careful of: forgetting periods at the end of sentences, misplaced or missing commas, avoid using hyphens when possible, replacing periods with semicolons in lists, undefined terms, layout of pages (some of the boxes make the pages harder to read, not easier).
5. Again, this is all from my point of view. I cannot speak for other editors or readers, but I think the comments will be helpful in editing this document for its next printing.

FLOW briefing paper

Storm Water Management

Background

Water is the foundation of all life. In Ohio, we are fortunate to have readily available sources of fresh water from our plentiful rivers. These rivers provide us with clean sources of fresh drinking water, beautiful sites for outdoor recreation such as canoeing and fishing, and natural habitats for over 1,400 species of aquatic wildlife.

Yet non-point source pollution, which enters our waterways at numerous places and is difficult to manage, is currently endangering our waterways. When they are polluted, the waterways lose their innumerable natural benefits, resulting in increased costs of drinking water, unusable recreation sites, and damaged watershed ecosystems. Today, storm water runoff is the most dangerous form of non-point source pollution for our waterways. During rainfall, storm water carries nutrients, pesticides, soil, and pollutants over impervious surfaces into our waterways and impairs their delicate natural balance. This problem is further complicated by overdevelopment that enlarges impervious surface area.

Still, there is good news due to increased awareness of waterway impairment and increased interest in protecting them. These efforts are primarily through a regional watershed approach. A watershed, defined by the highest points of elevation, is an area of land that drains all of it’s water into a particular body of water; all land is part of a watershed. The watershed approach is beneficial because it focuses on all land that contributes to particular watershed damage, thereby targeting development, utilities facilities, and homeowner practices in order to improve the quality of local waterways.

Recommendations

Ohio needs to support the Ohio DNR’s Watershed Coordinator program and to work with watershed coordinators to implement specific local recommendations in order to:

• Support the acquisition of conservation easements in stream corridors, to protect stream buffers, and to allow more groundwater recharge
• Promote Low-Impact Development that leaves more green space than conventional development. This allows storm water to infiltrate into the ground, therefore cleaning and regulating the flow of water into our waterways
• Provide support and incentives for implementation of best management practices
• Provide support and incentives for homeowner practices such as downspout disconnect, rain barrels, and rain gardens.

A committed regional watershed approach can benefit not only our environment, but also everyone living in our watersheds. It will provide us with higher quality water for public drinking water, irrigation water for agriculture, cooling water to produce electricity, recreation sites for canoeing and fishing, and clean water for natural wildlife habitats.

Without a strong regional effort to improve the quality of our local waterways, we will forfeit the abundant natural benefits of our waterways, benefits that are so fundamental for all life.


Contact

Heather Dean
FLOW
3528 N. High Street, Ste. F
Columbus, OH 43214
hdean@olentangywatershed.org
www.olentangywatershed.org, 613-267-3386

journal seven

Today I finished the briefing paper for FLOW. I had trouble contacting Heather over the weekend with questions I had for her, and she did not end up responding until just before I sent her the document. I did not end up editing in those details she sent, as she said the document looked clear, concise, and thorough. She said she was going to go over it with FLOW's River Stewardship committee and edit in the necessary details. She said, however, that the document would need very little tweaking. I was happy to hear this because the questions I had for Heather I had to solve/answer myself without her guidance. This document, while it was pre-formatted and the information was relatively guided, was a challenge because I had to express a thorough familiarity with FLOW's work, with Storm Water Management, and with the reasons for its importance. There remained a few questions regarding vocabulary that many people would not understand. I left those questions to Heather. We will be meeting Friday to work on the next project. This will either be the editing of their Backyard Conservation Manual, or to write an article(s) for their newsletter. Both would be valuable experiences, and I told Heather that I am willing to help them on whatever is most urgent. I am looking forward to this next project.

journal six

-Research on briefing paper (online, packets) -Email communication with Watershed coordinator -Worked on organizing briefing paper

Today I attended a meeting for MORPC. Heather thought that it may be helpful for the briefing paper I am writing. The main focus of the meeting was to bring together legislators, local environmental leaders, and utilities leaders, to discuss a new PSA that MORPC is creating in order to try to make homeowners aware of the environmental consequences of their decisions. We watched several PSA's created around the country, and discussed a survey taken of some MORPC members to try to decide what the PSA should focus on. One conclusion was that the area most in need of work was environmentally-conscious behavior on the part of developers, utilities sectors, and legislators. Yet at the same time, many people thought the best way to do this is to show the consequences of daily behavior of homeowners as well, to make the connections between daily activities and more substantial building projects. The idea is that by getting homeowners aware of these effects, homeowners will in turn be more aware of the consequences of the behaviors of developers. Because there were legislators and utilities groups at the meeting as well, it seemed that some people were holding back. And while a lot was discussed, few decisions were made as far as what to focus on in the film. No slogans or mottos were decided upon, and much work remains. Erin, the current leader of MORPC, will be gathering the MORPC subcommitties to discuss the PSA and how people think they should focus it. But it seems so challenging to bring together such a diverse crowd and ask them to agree on a message, as most do not even agree on what groups the message should be directed towards most. It was a highly informational meeting, but did not provide any explicit information for my paper. It was good to see Heather and we arranged to talk later about my paper. I am pleased that I went and saw the politics and inner workings of a meeting. I hope that I can continue to see new facets of FLOW's work and how they accomplish their goals.

COMMUNITY WRITER’S INVENTORY


1) What kind of document are you producing?
I am producing a briefing statement that will be including in a packet distributed by the Ohio Environmental Council to state legislators.

2) What are the primary and secondary rhetorical purposes of the document?
Its purpose is to inform legislators about Ohio environmental organizations and what they are doing, to explain to them the importance of these projects and environmental concerns in general, and to provide recommendations for how the goals of these projects can be reached. Particularly, FLOW’s briefing statement will be about its storm water management project and how to improve water quality based on its initiative.

3) Who is the primary reader of the document? Is there a secondary audience?
The primarily reader will be Ohio legislators, or their assistants that read their documents. A secondary community would be Ohio citizens with a particular concern for environmental issues. To my knowledge, the packet will be distributed modestly and not to the general public.

4) Further characterize your primary readers, according to any of the following categories that you believe are relevant, or others you can think of: middle class, middle age, predominantly white and Christian, highly educated, English speakers, American roots, physically capable, legislators, ideally sympathetic to community concerns.

5) Characterize any secondary readers in the same way, and note any differences between primary and secondary readers.
Very similar to above, more concerned about environmental issues out of their own will, generally not caught up in legal system.

6) Describe the situation(s) in which your reader is most likely to encounter what you have written in its finished form.
Legislators will probably be provided with this packet along with the tons of papers they are given on a daily basis. I presume that the initial interaction with the packet will be through an assistant summing up its contents. If the legislator has a concern or a specific issue to address, she or he will look at it themselves. Environmentally-concerned community members will probably go out of their way to read it or read it as part of their work with a local environmental group.
The document will probably be made available to anyone who wants it, but still not widely distributed. It has a very focused intended demographic.

7) Where did you/do you need to go to get the information you needed/need? Most of the information was provided by my community partner mentor. The rest of it was available on their website. This information is meant for those interested in the specifics of water quality work and storm water management. I did not need to conduct interviews for this project, its layout was relatively straight forward.

8) What modes of development are necessary in your document? Where and why?
I need to define non-point source pollution and watershed. I will have to talk about FLOW and their storm water management program, as well as talking about what effects this project has on the environment and the local community. It is read like a fact sheet and allows no room for my own voice (which is fine for a first project). There is no explicit argument, but he implicit one is that we need to create a better storm water management system in Columbus because of if not we are losing rich reasources that aquatic life provides.

9) Describe the writing voice that works best for your document.
10) Very formal. My voice is almost nonexistent. It is supposed to read like a briefing paper. There is no story. What is important is to convey in the least amount of words the project and why it is important.

11) Describe the general form of the finished document. One-sided page; front and back of one page; double-fold brochure; margin-to-margin; columns; other? Headings and subheadings? introduction and conclusion? Complete sentences and paragraphs? Long or short paragraphs?

12) Describe the particulars of format. Large print/standard print/small print; various fonts in various places; questions and answers; bullet points; web page links; graphical elements/enhancements (Document design/lay-out? Print in color, black and white, gray scale? Photos or graphic images? Drawings? Tables or graphs?); other?




COMMUNITY WRITER’S STATEMENT
OF AUDIENCE AND PURPOSE

Try articulating your community writing task using the pattern of information that emerged from the Community Writer’s Inventory.

I am writing a legislative briefing paper for Friends of the Lower Olentangy Watershed, whose mission is to My primary purpose in the document is inform and persuade legislators about FLOW’s storm water management project and its importance to the community, and my secondary purpose(s) is inform the local community about this project and its importance to my readers, who are legislators and community members with a particular concerns for environmental issues. Since my purpose and my audience will be encountering my writing in a formal setting (work or community meeting), my writing voice must be formal and concise. The form and format of the document, a 500-word factual document with background information and recommendations will also help make my points effectively. I need to research Guide to Ohio Streams (book), Background Conservation Manual (FLOW manual), and Watershed Action Plan (FLOW formal plan of action) to get the information I need to produce a credible and effective document, and I expect to develop and articulate my points using the following modes of development: listing background information on the project and proceeding to list recommendations for legislators in order to change the poor state of the storm water management system, in order to improve aquatic life and preserve the rich resources of the Olentangy River Watershed.

check-in on assignments

its funny to think about "the community served" in terms of flow's work. the community, to be accurate, is the aquatic life of the olentangy river watershed. and perhaps that is why environmental work is such a challenge. we have to convince people that these issues affect humans beings, not just the unimportant fish in the river.

wp1- im having issues with both organization and style. i started by making it into a story, and i think this could work as an approach. at this point, i have a lot of information from the two meetings ive attended (im attending one more on friday) and the office visit. how do i decide what observations not to use? how can i structure it in a single format? id like to meet with you during class tuesday to talk about this and figure out how to best organize the paper.

practical assignment- im starting to organize information for hte practical assignment briefing paper. i have to pull information from several sources, but most of them are easily accessible. by tuesday i want to have a draft done and on friday im attending a meeting that will give me an even better idea of how to further refine the paper. its due date is a week from wednesday, not that far away. and its being sent to several 'higher-ups," government officials, etc. so it has some weight (and im feeling the pressure of this).

i visited the office briefly last week (im doing my writing at home) and heather was out for the week because her grandmother passed away. so we havent been in contact much over the past week. i suppose i do better with externally-created due dates, and a lack of a due date is making it hard to prioritize this writing assignment above other course assignments without a due date.

so tonight im just doing more research for this asignment. my greatest challenge in research in knowing what information tp pull out and what not to. its incredibly difficult for me. im detail-oriented, and i seem to think a lot is important. in this project, my greatest challenge will be pulling out only what is necessary so that the editing process is not so excruciating. hoepfully i can improve upon this.

thats it for now

peace,
aaron

journal five

RJ #5 its funny to think about "the community served" in terms of flow's work. the community, to be accurate, is the aquatic life of the olentangy river watershed. and perhaps that is why environmental work is such a challenge. we have to convince people that these issues affect humans beings, not just the unimportant fish in the river. wp1- im having issues with both organization and style. i started by making it into a story, and i think this could work as an approach. at this point, i have a lot of information from the two meetings ive attended (im attending one more on friday) and the office visit. how do i decide what observations not to use? how can i structure it in a single format? id like to meet with you during class tuesday to talk about this and figure out how to best organize the paper. practical assignment- im starting to organize information for hte practical assignment briefing paper. i have to pull information from several sources, but most of them are easily accessible. by tuesday i want to have a draft done and on friday im attending a meeting that will give me an even better idea of how to further refine the paper. its due date is a week from wednesday, not that far away. and its being sent to several 'higher-ups," government officials, etc. so it has some weight (and im feeling the pressure of this). i visited the office briefly last week (im doing my writing at home) and heather was out for the week because her grandmother passed away. so we havent been in contact much over the past week. i suppose i do better with externally-created due dates, and a lack of a due date is making it hard to prioritize this writing assignment above other course assignments without a due date. so tonight im just doing more research for this asignment. my greatest challenge in research in knowing what information tp pull out and what not to. its incredibly difficult for me. im detail-oriented, and i seem to think a lot is important. in this project, my greatest challenge will be pulling out only what is necessary so that the editing process is not so excruciating. hoepfully i can improve upon this. thats it for now peace, aaron